STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
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What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”