me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?