me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?