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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”