*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
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At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up