Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
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I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage