Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.