I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.