There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
adam and eve had first world problems
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Usage Guidelines
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.