The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”