Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.