her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
#catsoftwitter
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?