I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
You Might Also Like
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito