the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I am HOWLING at this
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend