Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
What a year we’ve had this week.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Investing in beetcoin
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
A family that plays together cheats.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?