You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Lmao
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The Assassin.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs