I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
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Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”