From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine