It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Damn what did I do next
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.