Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.