5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Can’t stop laughing
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples