Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.