Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
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So that’s what we looked like?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Hot hot hot 🥵
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire