PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
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May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??