She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it