She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
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ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
starting a garage orchestra
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”