starting a garage orchestra
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s