Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct