so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
🤣could you imagine
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Growing out my freckles.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.