The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.