Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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Somebody’s lying.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.