Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?