The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My whole life was a lie.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.