I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Jurassic park gets weird
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
OMG 🤣🤣
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
bad news gang
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.