A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Birds & Planes.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.