A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
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Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.