Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
my professor scared me for a second
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Bringing home a sharpie
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing