Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
she has a point
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo