I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Tony Hawk, age 6
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Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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