When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.


How do I explain to this 5yo why it is of paramount importance to use the word kitty instead of pussy in his Mother’s day card?


I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.


Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice


I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away


Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.


When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling


“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China