When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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Wednesday
that lip filler tho
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A friend helps you before you need it
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Jupiter
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.