A friend helps you before you need it
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.