i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me, after any kind of buffet.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.