Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”