Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.