*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.