Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
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[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
couldn’t resist
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda