mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 馃惔”]
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HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
At this point I鈥檇 just like to have my winter body back.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Flock of bats
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I鈥檓 47.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I鈥檓 not pregnant.