Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.