8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m calling the cops.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’