This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else