ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.