I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You Might Also Like
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*